I have been confused for a long time about my mental status. Am I lazy or am I depressed. Either ways I blame myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. This is a phrase I go to bed with and also the phrase that rushes to fill my brain when I wake up.  I am pretty sure this is also the phrase that lives in every cell of my body. Otherwise there is no other explanation for how it constantly flashes in my brain. Each one of my blood cell atleast has this phrase pasted on its walls like those posters or advertisements that are annoying beyond limits but always there on the roadside. Even if you dont care about it, you are always forced to read it over and over and over again, everytime you pass by that road. You hate the letters, you hate the colors and you dont give a shit about what it says but you still read it. So every time a blood cell passes through my brain,  I read the message. I HATE MYSELF. I dont know who this "I" is. All I know is someone called "I" hates someone called "myself". I have no idea who either of these are.  This happens when you spend too much time with yourself. All you have, to give you company is this "I".  I is a very strange word to address whatever it is. Recently I have started to peel the I.  Nothing seems to make I eternally happy. For I, happy keeps changing. Yet that is all I always wants. How can you make I happy every minute if what it needs to make it happy keeps changing. This is a game. You are the seeker of some magic fountain or a magic stone that stores the source for eternal happiness that I can feed on. You want to tie this I to a brick and dump into the deepest pits of the ocean. You create illusions to please I. But then there are also traps. Sometimes illusions become traps.